I want to be the new Pope: Here are a few problems with my candidacy

When I heard last week that Pope Benedict XVI was retiring, I was fairly shocked ... mainly because I didn't know a Pope could retire.

I've had some time to think about it and I'd like to put my name forward as a candidate for the next pope. The 1.2 billion Catholics of the world, myself included, need a leader and I just might be the man for the job.

Don't believe me, I have testimonial ... OK, a testimonial.

"Yeah, I'd throw up a plume of white smoke for you," said Andrew Snyder, co-worker at 1013 Communications.

Andrew and I work together at the newspaper, which is another reason I'm a perfect candidate to be the new Pope: I have been working at a newspaper for the last seven years (nine if you count college), so obviously I'll stick with something regardless of how antiquated and behind the times people think it is ... are you telling me Catholics can't relate to that?

There are, however, a few roadblocks that may hold me back from getting the job.

And no, I'm not even talking about the fact that I'm not a Cardinal ... you let me worry about how to pull that off before Conclave, which is essentially the assembly in which a new Pope is elected and the white plume of smoke goes up once that decision is made in case you non-Catholics didn't get the previous reference.

There are more practical matters holding me back as well.

The most notable of those is the fact that I had a child out of wedlock ... OK fellow Catholics, I know this is bad.

However, I could be trotted out as a symbol of people learning from their mistakes and doing better afterward. Plus, my 8-year-old son is really smart (he'll be the first to tell you he goes to an academy); he's probably already smarter than me, so we might already have our next Pope lined up after me ... could skip this whole election bit next time.

Next potential problem, I like to eat meat on Fridays.

Ash Wednesday just passed and I was kind of dreading it - not necessarily because I have to give something up for Lent (this year it is soda), but rather because I'm not very good at finding herbivore-style food to eat. Lent means no meat on Fridays and I have to confess, I've slipped a time or two ... ish.

I'm always striving to get better though, and again, that is one of the primary messages of our religion, so hopefully some leeway can be given to me.

As long as we're being honest here, my record is also spotty in terms of attending church on Sundays.

But on this one ... hear me out here ... I have a better excuse.

In addition to working for the newspaper, I have a ... shameless plug alert ... radio show called The K&C Masterpiece on 105.3 The Fan (find us on Twitter : @kandc1053) and we are on the air each Saturday and Sunday morning/afternoon. So while I don't get to church a lot on Sundays, I do try to make up for it on Wednesday nights. And I do have a second job, so I'm not just skipping church for the heck off it ... see, at least I didn't say Hell ... except for that I just did (maybe I should have given swearing up for Lent).

So, there's a little honesty for you.

Pope Benedict XVI is stepping down Feb. 28 and word is Conclave could be as soon as March 10, so while I'm working on becoming a Cardinal, if all you fine readers could get the ground swell of support going for me, I would really appreciate it.

Together, we can get this done ... and if you slip under my regime, just bring this blog back to me to show that people do make mistakes. I certainly think that's something us Catholics should be understanding about.

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